I can’t take this anymore. I have no money. I’m scraping the barrel, and it’s starting to choke me. Now that school is paid for, I’ll have more money to keep the collectors at bay. Which is good.

I owe my sister a lot of money. I thought the new job was going to help (and it has), but the bills are piling up. She’s really putting the pressure on me, and I don’t know how to shut her up. She’s not my favourite person right now. She thinks I’m making excuses, but when I try to explain what’s going on, it’s not good enough for her. She thinks she knows me, but she doesn’t.

She thinks I’m competing with her 12 yo daughter. What a bunch of bullshit. She says I have no business complaining abt. what she does with her money. YET, she sits there and bitches abt. how she doesn’t have any money, and how she pays for everything. Well, who told you to go recreational shopping again? Who told you to put the bills in your name?

So I’m looking for another job. At this rate, I’m going to be dead by the time I’m 30. From overworking. I don’t know how my mother does it. She’s amazing.

*le sigh*

I went online searching for jobs again. I found a position at my local library as a page. Nothing more than 18 hrs/week. That would be okay, and easy to sort out with my job now and school. That is, if I get it. Plus it would keep me out of the house. I don’t wanna be at home anymore.

I dunno if I should reapply at the portrait studio. They’re still hiring part-time photographers at another branch of the company. I did enjoy the field, and I left on good terms. I just dunno if 2 retail jobs are good for me. I did it once, and it really took a lot out of me, though I didn’t have bills like I do now. Maybe I’ll talk to my old manager. I still have to pick up my old pay stubs.

I really hate my life right now. It’s just too much, and I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m trying so hard, and it’s not enough. I can’t do this. I just can’t. I don’t want to kill myself, but I just wanna run away.

Just get away from everything. All this drama. Find some peace by myself. I went to Disneyland in January, but I couldn’t really enjoy myself because I was worried abt. what bills needed to be paid when I got home.

I often wonder why God gives us trials like this, some tougher than others. Mine seems small in comparison to the ones who do have it hard, but it’s my lot in life. He keeps shoving my face in it, and it’s not making me a stronger person. It’s made me more afraid.

I made a playlist called “I Believe in You” on iTunes for times like this. So I’m sharing it with you.

I Believe in You

  1. “(Reach Up for the) Sunrise” by Duran Duran (iTunes protected)
  2. “Brave New Girl” by Britney Spears
  3. “Breakout” by N*E*R*D
  4. “Breathe in Breathe Out” by Rachel Stevens
  5. “Don’t Give It Up” by Siobhan Donaghy
  6. “Hanging on for Dear Life” by MMC
  7. “Heal Over” by KT Tunstall
  8. “I Believe in You” by Kylie Minogue
  9. “I Will Be Your Friend” by Coco Lee
  10. “In It to Win It” by All Saints
  11. “Move Along” by The All-American Rejects
  12. “Ready for the Good Times” by Shakira
  13. “Smile Like You Mean It (Acoustic)” by The Killers
  14. “Together” by the Raconteurs

Get it.

?: “What songs do you listen to when you feel the whole world is against you?“