Nothing but Song

I got my grades back for last term.

I got a C+ in Biology, a D in Advanced Comp (totally deserved), a B- in History of Japan (o.O), and B+ in Marketing, for a grand total of a 2.68 GPA.

And OMG, I saw my new phone on TV last night: a Helio Ocean. Say it with me: oooohhhhh. I wanted a Sidekick, but I’ve heard too many bad things abt. it.

It’s amusing how your childhood creeps up on you in the weirdest places.

I was reading this article on ONTD about the girls bullying Shilpa Shetty on Celebrity Big Brother. The OP included a picture of Jade Goody, and in the comments, someone called her “miss piggy’s human incarnate.”

I thought that was an unfortunate observation, because Miss Piggy would chew up that bitch and spit her out, know what I mean?

The Muppets were my absolutely favourite cartoon when I was growing up. I even watched the Muppet Babies spinoff religiously. As such, Miss Piggy was my favourite. Girl didn’t take shit from NOBODY, and she loved Kermit with all of her heart. There’s something so endearing about that, and I knew that even from a young age.

I think some of my sassiness comes from growing up with her. Frank Oz said, “She wants everyone to treat her like a lady, and if they don’t, she’ll cut them in half.” That’s me, pretty succinctly.

Anyways, my cousins and I hated to be away from each for long when we were kids. That’s obviously changed, but that’s what growing up will do to you. hahaha. They lived in the Bay Area, and I lived in the armpit of California - a little farm town called Modesto - which was an hour away or so.

So one day we schemed to think of a way to keep me there so we could have a sleepover. Upon further pondering, our sleepovers weren’t terribly interesting, more of an excuse to spend more time together.

We had spent the whole day at my grandpa’s house for some celebration or another (I forget what now), and it was getting to be dark. My dad hated (hates) driving in the dark if he can absolutely help it. So when my parents made the announcement that we were leaving that was our cue to say our final goodbyes until next time.

Our scheme was this: we took my Miss Piggy doll that I had brought, got her wet in the bathtub and dumped her in the dirt in the front yard beneath the mailbox, getting her incredibly muddy in the process.

Our reasoning? If we got her dirty right before we left, I’d be forced to stay behind to clean her up, because I couldn’t very well go home without her, now could I?

Of course, my parents have seen and heard every lie in the book, so the adults gave me a plastic shopping bag to hold my Piggy doll in.

All I remember was pulling away from the curb and pouting and hating my parents as much as a wronged child would at that moment, seeing my cousins standing in a line, waving goodbye to us.

Like I always say, I was emo before emo was cool.

Doing a Google search for Miss Piggy doll, I wasn’t sure I was going to find her. But I did! She looked like this:

And this is the description that came from Nancy’s Collectibles about it:

This is a Jim Henson’s “Baby Miss Piggy”. She is dressed in a Christmas red velvet dress trimmed in white lace at the neckline. She is wearing a matching red velvet bonnet that is trimmed in white “fur”. She is in very good condition; no tears or stains. Her left hand is missing the thread that makes up her fingers, therefore, she only has a pinkie and thumb on that hand. There is a fabric tag attached to her body which states “1987 Henson Associates, Inc., Baby Miss Piggy is a trademark of Henson Associates, Inc. She measures 8″ tall in a sitting position.

I think I have her in storage somewhere. If my mom gave her away, I swear on the high heavens I’m going to cry like a little emo kid.

And I love this ljsecret…

?: “Does your childhood creep on you sometimes?“

I was doing another soul-searching thing within myself the other night at work, since it was so slow.

I’ve discovered the root cause of me not wanting a boyfriend in any sense of the word, right now, or possibly ever.

When I was 14, my pregnant older sister, along with my then four yo niece, moved cross country to move back in with us. Why? Because she was leaving the Army, and because Mom and Dad said we needed to help her out. Thus, I spent the next five or so years, helping to raise two kids. Do you know how difficult it is to get through adolescence when you’re doing something like that?

Granted, those kids are more like my little sisters than anything sometimes. And I can’t be away from them too long. I took a week’s vacation to Cali once, and all I could think about was them enjoying the gifts I bought especially for them.

They moved here to Las Vegas in ‘02 to start a new life. All fine and good, but I wasn’t off the hook.

The year before, my mother - without consulting me - “volunteered” me to babysit her co-worker’s infant girl a few days a week (overnights included). Since my parents never pressured me to get a job (not that I wasn’t looking) and since the state paid my tuition, my mom would pocket my babysitting money and give me a $50 allowance every week. Back then, that was more than enough to buy a few CDs, magazines, whatever when I felt like it, and pay for schoolbooks (since the program I was under only covered tuition).

Then we moved here in 2003, to help my sister out again and to get her out of apartments. Moving here did what it was supposed to. Shake me from my shell and grow the fuck up. I got my first job here, my first car, my first credit card, first of 3 iPods and all the subsequent bills that came with it. Being an adult is a bitch, but I’m surviving, rofl.

So for the last 4 years, I have again been responsible for my nieces.

So how do this relate to boys?

rofl, I’m getting there.

I have mildly threatened to move out for the last 2 years, because I can’t stand living with my family. I love ‘em, but most of these days, I can’t stand being in the same room. I’m financially unstable, and unfortunately, they know this and use it against me in a passive-aggressive manner.

I am sick and tired of being responsible for the people in this house, made to feel guilty because things aren’t getting done, made to do things because no one else can. I work a full-time job and go to school full-time. I barely have time to wipe my ass, for God’s sake (not really, but you know what I mean).

I like him - I do - but he texts me at all the wrong times, and whines about how he misses me. That’s tantamount to bothering me, and if there’s something I hate, it’s annoyances I can control. My time is my time. I hardly get any “my time” anymore. Fact of the matter is I don’t want to be responsible to anyone but me.

And that’s how I feel about relationships. You are made to feel like you owe ‘em something, to tell the person how you’re feeling, what you’re doing, and all that shit. No offense, but I can live without it. This is how I see my life going for a really long time. I’ve lived with so much familial and societal pressure my whole damn life, and I’m fucking sick of it.

As soon as I can, I’m gonna find a job 1000 miles away from anyone who knows me, and start over. I lost out on a lot of my childhood, and I’m just supposed to grin and bear it?

Fuck that.

Because that’s what good little Asian girls are supposed to do?

Fuck that.

Because “we support each other in this family?”

Triple fuck that.

I want to be left alone so badly. You don’t even know. It’s a hard thing for people to grasp. If I could wake up one day and not be bothered by anyone, I would swear I had died and gone to heaven. I can’t decompress when I come home because there’s something that needs doing that someone can’t do without me. It’s retarded.

So if I were to become his girlfriend, I wouldn’t be a very good one. I’d be aloof, distant, antisocial, and cold. He doesn’t deserve that. No one does. So I’ll spare humanity the blight that I am and just be a lonely, antisocial crone somewhere.

I’m gonna waste my breath forcing myself to be something I don’t ever wanna put my whole heart into, which keenly applies to every facet of my life. Bless the ones who can. I don’t envy nor worship you. Do what you gotta do.

I hope someday to have someone in my life, and kids. Will definitely have at least 1 before 35. I’m in no hurry ’cause my parents already have 5 grandkids. If I could, I wouldn’t even go through childbirth. I’d adopt some fabulously sassy kid I could teach my tricks to, haha.

*le sigh*

?: “Can you live without people?”

Happy Mother’s Day to any and all the moms out there. I’ve still got 45 minutes to say that, so there.

Right, so the big news in my life is that school sucks. har har. I made a list of all the things that I have left to do during finals, and they are as follows: History of Japan final paper (due 16), Sources of Japanese Tradition 1 (due 3 months ago, but I’m turning it in late, 17), biology final exam (17), marketing final exam (due 17), and History of Japan final exam (due 17). History of Japan and Marketing are online classes, so the due dates coincide with the last day I want to do work, lulz.

My Ate said something about going to Red Rock Canyon for the day and her next day off is the 18th. I’m excited. I want to go and explore this great state. I get all romantical ideas when I think of Nevada. Still feels like the Wild West to me sometimes, and I’m a sucker for history. My Ate and nieces took good pictures when they went there on a whim today, and I want some pictures and memories for myself. It’ll be nice to get back to nature and all that.

So the next big thing going on in my life is that one of my very best guy friends, T, gave me a white Coach purse that look a bit like this. My niece calls it “The T Bag.” It’s the sweetest thing anyone has ever done for me. I honestly put up a front with people (I’ve been described as “scary”), and very few people know the real girl underneath. T, I’m happy to say, is one of them.

He put a note in the purse pretty much telling me that he thought the world of me, would always be there for me, that he didn’t want to pressure me into having a boyfriend (I told him as much in our conversations), and all that stuff that makes me googly when I think of it. But I owe it to myself to find out what I want in life before I get a boyfriend. Most people would call me stupid and say that I should snap him up while I still can, but something tells me that he’ll wait until I find what I’m looking for. Or find another girl to shower his money on, rofl.

I’d always kind of resigned myself to being unlovable, but it’s because I was talking to the wrong guys. It’s nice to know guys aren’t all guilty of emotional fuckwittage, are sex addicts or commitment-phobics. As Bridget Jones says. The thing that got me about T was that he knows what he’s doing with his life. He’s going to school to better his situation. He’s a bit young for me (he’s turning 21 next month). My little brother is a year older than him. Like they say, age ain’t nothin’ but a number, but still. It’s a bit strange to think abt.

I would take a proper picture of the purse (the repeating Coach logo is smaller), but I have to buy a new memory card for my camera. I technically had 3 digital cameras, a Polaroid (that I sold to my little brother’s best friend from high school), an HP Photosmart (which I’m selling BTW, $65 shipping/USB cord/instructions included, if you want pictures of the camera, comment!), and a Sony CyberShot I commandeered from my ma that my Kuya gave to her. I’m going to start using the CyberShot, but I don’t want to erase the pics she took of her and my dad’s trip to Hawai’i on the memory card that came with it.

Random musical gift: “Goldfish” by Siobhan Donaghy from her forthcoming album, “Ghosts.”

I can’t wait for this summer. I’m looking forward to doing absolutely nothing constructive, other than moving TKO to my server, and promoting P!ATD.nu.

*thinks*

The water park/pool is opening up in my community (which means I can get a proper tan this year, after suffering through 2 years of a disgusting Depot one).

I have rediscovered the power of recreational reading, and have finally learned my way around my local library. I never had a reason to go before, so I didn’t even sign up for a library card for the longest time. So if you have any reading recs, please share!!

I’m going to be making more layouts. No more crazy busy ones. Just simple and tasteful.

Spending time with T and my friends. I’ve been avoiding them too long, and I always had an excuse. Now, I don’t, lulz.

Rearranging my fall schedule to continue getting Thursdays and Fridays off.

Going to concerts (tentative schedule is as follows):

• May 21 2007: Young Love @ Art Bar
• Jun 1 2007: THE KILLERS @ Theater Under the Stars
• Jun 8 2007: John Mayer @ Mandalay Bay Events Center
• Jun 24 2007: Fall Out Boy @ Pearl @ the Palms

After a tumultuous semester of certain people, new jobs, and extenuating financial circumstances sucking the fun out of everything, I owe it to myself to just chill.

?: “What was your favourite class this term?“