Nothing but Song

My mom is okay, and back to worrying abt. money & bills. Bless her.

As such, I’ve spent the last few days feeling emotionally drained from all the stuff in my last entry. I dunno if you’ve ever felt like that, but when everything just kinda compounds and blows up, you don’t feel like you can go on with your life.

Like the days when you wish you could just sleep away your problems?

Yeah, that’s how it’s been for me.

I’ve been listening to my “I Believe in You” playlist at least once a day. I feel like music is the only thing that is going to get me through this bad patch. Like it always has.

I can always depend on it. It won’t break my heart, it won’t forget me, and there is a song for every situation, emotion, problem and everything. It will listen to me when I cry, when I feel like breaking things, when I’m in my car, feeling infinite.

If I hadn’t been closing at work these last few days, I would’ve been a useless slug at work. I hate having to fake a smile when all this is going on in my life.

And I feel guilty for saying that, because there are prolly a million ppl who would kill for my job and my life.

And I shouldn’t say all of this, because if I do, karma will think it funny if I were to lose my job, lose my car, lose my chance to finish school.

Since money is going to be a problem heading into fall term, I’ve decided to apply for jobs at school. One as library monitor, and another as a computer lab monitor. Either one would suit me. Both are part-time. I have just enough hours between my job and school this fall to accommodate either one.

I can’t live on this paycheck anymore. There’s just no way. I hope someone calls me back. *crosses fingers* I don’t think I will get called back for the computer lab one, because I applied at the beginning of the year and I think they called me back for an interview, but I didn’t call them back, because I thought that my current job would be enough. So they’ll prolly see my application and laugh in my face. I hope that doesn’t weigh in on their decision to interview me.

I’m a good worker. I do as I’m told. I don’t rock the boat. I mind my own business. I ask questions if I don’t understand things. I’m loyal. And so long as no one in charge lies to me, you’ve got me for life.

Wish me luck!

?: “Do you ever feel like sleeping away the problems in your life?“

I’m not much for talking in length about my family much, because I have plenty to write abt. myself. So bear with me.

Here goes.

*deep breath*

My mom was released from the hospital earlier today (it’s almost midnight when I started this entry). She had an irregular heartbeat, and they used the defibrillator to get her back on track.

Second time she’s been in hospital in as many months.

Back story: she doesn’t live with us, and the only ones near her is my father’s family. We live in Las Vegas. She’s in Cali because of her job. We moved here to help my sister out (as she’s a single mother). But she’s been threatening to move out for ages, so we can’t depend on her forever.

I called my ma to check on her before I got in to work today; I prolly shouldn’t have done that because it got me all worried abt. her.

I’m a pretty mellow person, but I was mellower and quieter than usual when I got to work. My co-worker knew something was up, and prodded it out of me. I’m glad she and I have become close, and that she was there today, because if she wasn’t, I would’ve broken down and cried in front of a customer.

She listened patiently, and pretty much told me what I already knew.

That she should be here with us.

That my dad - while not a bad person in any sense of the word - should get a part-time job to help out. He’s “retired” therefore he draws his military pension and Social Security, sits around all day, watches TV, surfs the Internet, and takes care of the dogs. Don’t get me wrong; that makes it sound like my dad’s a bad guy.

He’s not really.

He doesn’t smoke, do drugs, gamble excessively, beat us, or anything like that.

His dad (my grandpa) was like that (drinker, smoker, gambler, abuser until his dying day), and my dad swore he would never be like that. We did get beat when we stepped out of line when we were kids, but one day, it just stopped.

All they had to do was give us the stink eye (THE LOOK), and we’d shut up real quick.

He’s more of a… I dunno the word at the moment. Lazy would be the best way to put it. He doesn’t cook or clean, because there are 4 able-bodied females (me, my sister and her 2 girls) in the house, though he would never say that to our faces. It’s more implied if anything. He’s incredibly old-fashioned.

I hope that when I finally get married that it’s not to someone like my father.

I would like him to have the good traits of my father, sure, since that’s what they say girls look for in their future mates.

But Future!Hubby had better have none of the bad ones.

I think that’s why my mom hasn’t really pushed the issue of boyfriends with me. She doesn’t want me to end like some members of my family (unmarried single mothers), and she doesn’t want me to settle for a clone of my dad.

I’ve never had a boyfriend. Not that I haven’t been looking, but I don’t trust easily. I’m a very giving person, but when someone hands me my heart back - bruised & bloodied - you tend to stop wanting to offer yourself up to get hurt.

People will say, “Oh, don’t think like that! You’re so young, you have your whole life ahead of you! You can try if you want to!”

Do you know how many times I’ve said that to myself?

Do you know how many times I’ve heard that, implied or not?

I know why I don’t do it anymore, why I fail at being a good friend, why I fail at being a potential girlfriend type.

It all started in 9th grade. Nobody stopped and asked me why I was so sad and depressed freshman year in high school.

I was at the breaking point. I was crying myself to sleep, wanting to die.

I had to will myself not to grab a sharp pointy object, and harm myself.

And NOBODY said anything. I had no one to turn to.

How do you respond to that? Hmm?

The people who supposedly love you and care for you, don’t stop to wonder why you’ve changed.

Shit, I would’ve been happy with a stranger asking me if something was up.

I just wanted someone to notice how much emotional pain I was in. How I wasn’t adjusting to starting in high school.

I had to work through my issues on my own, with no one else’s help but God.

I’d much rather be just another nameless, faceless member of society.

I should just fake my death and start over somewhere.

But I’d prolly take a ride on the failboat if I started over.

Ugh.

My dad and I don’t talk abt. things like this, thankfully. That’d just be WEIRD.

Getting back to what I was saying before I ran off on that tangent (haha), there are no jobs for my ma here unfortunately. We’ve looked. She tested for the post office, but her scores were too low. The jobs she could take would require her going back to school, but she can’t because she’s the main breadwinner in the house.

Plus she’s helping to put me through school. I will repay her with a good career, because that’s all she wants. To see each and every one of us ready and able to stand on our own, and help them out occasionally.

I’m just frustrated that there isn’t more that I can do for her.

Or the rest of my family.

Or my friends.

And it’s not just me who is being affected by something in their life. Everyone around me has their worlds crumbling. Everything that could happen is happening.

2007 is a bad year. I wish it was over already.

?: “How has 2007 been to you so far?”

So here’s my new home, memento-mori.org. I like the idea of memento mori, plus there are songs by The Academy Is… and the Streets (two of my fave bands) that are named Memento Mori.

Even though I’ve invested a year and a half into it, Nothing but Song was leaving a bad taste in my mouth. I needed a fresh start. I would look at the name and say to myself, “Ugh.”

That’s pretty bad and overdramatic, but that’s what us emo kids do. HAHAHAHA! If anything is amiss, let me know, will ya?

Former Nothing but Song hostees, I have all of your files, so if you need them, do contact me and I will get everything situated for ya. I will continue to host you if you want (I haven’t heard from most of you in ages), but your subdomain will change.

I uploaded some new songs to my radio.blog. The link is in the sidebar. It looks better as popup, that’s why I’m not linking to it here directly.

As such, I apologize for the random downtime these past few days. Getting a server to recognize changes you’ve made is tough. But I learn best by trial and error, and there was minimal downtime for my clients at American Princess, thankfully. It was just my personal sites that were affected for the majority of the time. P!ATD.nu and TKO are in the process of getting reuploaded, so hold tight for those.

The rest of this entry was gonna be me overanalyzing my spending habits, but you know what? It’s beating a dead horse. I’m tired of harping on the same ol’ same ol’. That’s why I will never be able to grow and improve as a person.

I think I have an addictive personality though. Music, shopping, the Internet. I dunno. It makes perfect sense. I’m not trying to rationalize what I’ve been doing with my finances, but you know me. I tend to overanalyze & think too much.

I bought a really cool organizer from Target to help me stay on top of things a few weeks back, because it was getting too hectic for me to remember every little thing. School’s starting soon. Because of my organizer, I’ve already worked out when the time payment’s are due, how much I should sock away from each paycheck for that, and all that. Sometimes I wish I were still a kid. You don’t have to remember so much.

That’s me, remembering my mortality again, hahaha.

Someday (soon, hopefully), money will be a non-issue for my family. Bills will be paid on time, or paid in cash, so we don’t have to have bills at all.

?: “Do you have problems balancing your checkbook?”

ALSO…. I’ve joined Free-For-All-Friday!

Today is Free-For-All Friday! Every last Friday of the month, I open postings on Memento mori & because of the LJ Crosspost plugin, Heaven or Las Vegas (my LJ) for anyone who wants to post! “Free for All” means you can say what you want, share some links, wax poetic on your favourite band (like I so often do), complain about household appliances, whatever. All you have to do is login and post!

Here’s how to do it:

1. Go to my WordPress admin panel.
2. Login/Password: ffaf/1stfloor
3. Click on “Write a Post” on the Dashboard, or go to “Write” in the header.
4. Enter a title, and make the category “Free-For-All-Fridays.” You can choose more categories if they pertain to your entry, but one of them should at least be “Free-For-All-Fridays.”
5. Type what you want to say in the “Post” box. I’ve disabled the Visual Text Editor, so you should have some working knowledge of HTML if you want to post images, and all that. Choose “Save” frequently if you have a lot to say and edit.
6. When you’re done, click “Publish” and the entry will show up immediately.

Rules:

1. Please keep it clean & as drama-free as possible. If you don’t think I would post it, don’t. God forbid if I find spam or porn links… I’ll beat you with my chicken caboodles.
2. You can be anonymous, but I log IP addresses.
3. Feel free to link your blog, your new project, etc. If you do, then please sign your name.
4. I reserve the right to edit/delete inappropriate posts (or those with really obvious or obnoxious spelling mistakes).
5. Have fun!