I’m not much for talking in length about my family much, because I have plenty to write abt. myself. So bear with me.

Here goes.

*deep breath*

My mom was released from the hospital earlier today (it’s almost midnight when I started this entry). She had an irregular heartbeat, and they used the defibrillator to get her back on track.

Second time she’s been in hospital in as many months.

Back story: she doesn’t live with us, and the only ones near her is my father’s family. We live in Las Vegas. She’s in Cali because of her job. We moved here to help my sister out (as she’s a single mother). But she’s been threatening to move out for ages, so we can’t depend on her forever.

I called my ma to check on her before I got in to work today; I prolly shouldn’t have done that because it got me all worried abt. her.

I’m a pretty mellow person, but I was mellower and quieter than usual when I got to work. My co-worker knew something was up, and prodded it out of me. I’m glad she and I have become close, and that she was there today, because if she wasn’t, I would’ve broken down and cried in front of a customer.

She listened patiently, and pretty much told me what I already knew.

That she should be here with us.

That my dad - while not a bad person in any sense of the word - should get a part-time job to help out. He’s “retired” therefore he draws his military pension and Social Security, sits around all day, watches TV, surfs the Internet, and takes care of the dogs. Don’t get me wrong; that makes it sound like my dad’s a bad guy.

He’s not really.

He doesn’t smoke, do drugs, gamble excessively, beat us, or anything like that.

His dad (my grandpa) was like that (drinker, smoker, gambler, abuser until his dying day), and my dad swore he would never be like that. We did get beat when we stepped out of line when we were kids, but one day, it just stopped.

All they had to do was give us the stink eye (THE LOOK), and we’d shut up real quick.

He’s more of a… I dunno the word at the moment. Lazy would be the best way to put it. He doesn’t cook or clean, because there are 4 able-bodied females (me, my sister and her 2 girls) in the house, though he would never say that to our faces. It’s more implied if anything. He’s incredibly old-fashioned.

I hope that when I finally get married that it’s not to someone like my father.

I would like him to have the good traits of my father, sure, since that’s what they say girls look for in their future mates.

But Future!Hubby had better have none of the bad ones.

I think that’s why my mom hasn’t really pushed the issue of boyfriends with me. She doesn’t want me to end like some members of my family (unmarried single mothers), and she doesn’t want me to settle for a clone of my dad.

I’ve never had a boyfriend. Not that I haven’t been looking, but I don’t trust easily. I’m a very giving person, but when someone hands me my heart back - bruised & bloodied - you tend to stop wanting to offer yourself up to get hurt.

People will say, “Oh, don’t think like that! You’re so young, you have your whole life ahead of you! You can try if you want to!”

Do you know how many times I’ve said that to myself?

Do you know how many times I’ve heard that, implied or not?

I know why I don’t do it anymore, why I fail at being a good friend, why I fail at being a potential girlfriend type.

It all started in 9th grade. Nobody stopped and asked me why I was so sad and depressed freshman year in high school.

I was at the breaking point. I was crying myself to sleep, wanting to die.

I had to will myself not to grab a sharp pointy object, and harm myself.

And NOBODY said anything. I had no one to turn to.

How do you respond to that? Hmm?

The people who supposedly love you and care for you, don’t stop to wonder why you’ve changed.

Shit, I would’ve been happy with a stranger asking me if something was up.

I just wanted someone to notice how much emotional pain I was in. How I wasn’t adjusting to starting in high school.

I had to work through my issues on my own, with no one else’s help but God.

I’d much rather be just another nameless, faceless member of society.

I should just fake my death and start over somewhere.

But I’d prolly take a ride on the failboat if I started over.

Ugh.

My dad and I don’t talk abt. things like this, thankfully. That’d just be WEIRD.

Getting back to what I was saying before I ran off on that tangent (haha), there are no jobs for my ma here unfortunately. We’ve looked. She tested for the post office, but her scores were too low. The jobs she could take would require her going back to school, but she can’t because she’s the main breadwinner in the house.

Plus she’s helping to put me through school. I will repay her with a good career, because that’s all she wants. To see each and every one of us ready and able to stand on our own, and help them out occasionally.

I’m just frustrated that there isn’t more that I can do for her.

Or the rest of my family.

Or my friends.

And it’s not just me who is being affected by something in their life. Everyone around me has their worlds crumbling. Everything that could happen is happening.

2007 is a bad year. I wish it was over already.

?: “How has 2007 been to you so far?”