Nothing but Song

Feeling :  hungry  Listening :  Muscle Museum - Myooz (rofl)  Reading :  Something Wicked This Way Comes - Ray Bradbury

I seem to write my most decent pieces of poetry when I’m in one of my moods. I’ve been meaning to post this for awhile but never got around to it. Too much American Princess drama.

Case in point:

Take my hand, let’s get wasted, chase the stars above
I want to drown in Heaven’s fire and rip out your love
If I could fuck your mind like you fucked mine
You’d be like the greatest soul I never knew
It could all go on like a bohemian rhapsody
but while I’m lying next to you, I will never be free.

Come up with a clever title and I will less than 3 you forever.

I’m still riding my post-Vegoose high. Having a weekend off like that was just what I needed to recharge my batteries. I dunno, I guess I need crazy weekends like these every once in a while. Not the short and sweet weekend camping trips. Those are no good.

But a weekend where we’re still in the city, when we don’t have to rush home from whatever we’re doing because I have to work that afternoon. A weekend of just doing tourist-y crap, like sightseeing, window shopping, taking pictures, and just being together.

At the heart of it all, even when I say I prefer being alone, I love my family. If my circumstances allowed it, I would be home with them when they’re home. Since I have weird hours every semester at school and work in between, I never see them on the weekends (which is usually their days off).

Don’t take your family for granted, that’s all I’m saying. If you don’t have the luxury of living at home like I do, pick up the phone. Call your mom and dad. Your brothers, your sisters. Don’t ever be so busy with your life to think that you don’t need them.

You need them a lot more than you might realise.

School was actually tolerable today, rofl. Maybe because I had some Earl Grey on the way in (tea always puts me in a good mood), plus I had a decent night’s sleep and did my homework, quadruple rofl.

I got called out for being “too quiet” by a girl in one of my lit classes today too. “I never know what you’re thinking!” she said.

I replied, “Murder. Homicide. Death. Atomic bombs,” whilst she giggled. I said it all sarcastic too, I hope she doesn’t think I’m plotting like, mass murders of complete strangers because I’m quiet!!

But her observation got me thinking. I’ve thought a lot about why I’m so quiet.

In my childhood, it was because my mom worked graveyard and slept during the day, and my dad hated if we made any noise that would wake her up. Also, he hated if we burst into song in the car or in the house. “Shut up! Be quiet! Your mom’s sleeping!” he’d say.

In his defense, he’s lightened up on being the disciplinarian since we’ve moved here. There are times when the girls don’t know when to shut up, and Dad has to get all grandpa on ‘em, but he’s relaxed some. I know where I stand with my dad now.

But still, being a young kid and being told to shut up for no other reason than your own dad wants complete silence really grates on you, and ages you immensely. I had to grow up quickly emotionally to cope.

I had to be the good kid, the one my parents could always depend on to be good, know what I mean? I never rebelled or been subversive, like some of my siblings have. I wasn’t born with that streak in me. I don’t know how to be anyone else. Can it be untaught? I dunno.

I don’t have a lot of things that I can keep to myself that no one can take away from me. They can take a lot from me, but I won’t let them have my silence.

And just because I’m quiet doesn’t make me a bitch. I’m actually a friendly, funny, caring person (if I do say so myself) once you get to know me. Ask anyone of my friends who had bad first impressions of me because I hardly spoke up.

I like to let people talk who like to talk. I mean, I rant about not owning my voice sometimes, sure. But the fact of the matter is, I’m okay with it. I don’t give a shit if you’re not. This is who I am. I’m not going to change for you in order to please somebody, and I don’t EVER want anyone I meet to feel they should change to make me happy.

I will love you, in addition to your imperfections. Just don’t break my heart. Once you and I are friends, you’ve got a friend for life. I will be there for you, no matter what.

Tomorrow is Halloween. Have fun. I’m dressing up in a Renaissance maiden costume that I’ve had for almost 2 years but never wore in favor of my Sydney Bristow red wig, black turtleneck and boots. It’s like, the easiest costume ever, and way fun to wear. Also, my “Dawn of the Dead” box set is staring at me on my desk as I type, rofl. I watch it every year. It’s my Halloween tradition. It’s the Romero version, the only one worth watching, if only for the subtext.

My friend T from Home Despot asked me to be her date to their annual Christmas party. She has to text me the deets tomorrow. It will be on a Sunday after the store closes, like it’s always been. Since I work midshifts on Sundays, I think I will be able to fly across town in enough time to go and spend some time with my family there.

?: “Favourite scary movie to watch every Halloween?“

I’m so sore from the last two days and a bit dead on my feet, so I’ll try to remember as much as I can, rofl.

We left the house reasonably early to get to the Bay on Saturday. They offered shuttle service from several stops on the Strip to Sam Boyd, so instead of bothering with my car like last year, I decided that’s the shuttle would be our best bet. Walked around the Bay for a bit because there were no signs anywhere telling where the shuttle to Vegoose was. Went to West Valet and God bless that woman’s cotton bobby socks, because even though she didn’t know, she still took the time to help us out. That was extremely awesome of her.

Went down to the Beach level Valet, they didn’t know either. However, one of the valet guys said to walk over to the Tropicana, where there was a stop for sure (it was listed on the packet I got, so I knew he was right). Took the Excalibur Express tram from the Bay to the Excalibur, walked down and around the Trop.

And there was a shuttle stop. Bastards. They tried to scam $110 out of us for two days’ shuttle ride, but I flashed my VIP vouchers, and he’s all, “oh! You’ve got VIP tickets. You’re good to go.” So we sat on the bus. But wait, that’s not the only complaint I had about the shuttle.

THERE WAS A SHUTTLE STOP AT THE BAY AFTER ALL.

Ugh. After winding our way around the back side of the Strip - so to speak - the shuttle took us to the shuttle stop for the Bay. Downstairs by the Shark Reef. I was pissed off but too excited to bother with it. We walked around for almost 2 hours trying to figure shit out. Looking back, I can’t believe there was such a lack of communication. Valet should’ve been informed of that a shuttle stop was at the Bay. I dunno if that’s a fault of the Bay or the Vegoose people, but it was enough to get me peeved.

We got there around 3, and got through the VIP line where we got our groovy blue wristbands. Wow, if you can go VIP, do it, yo, ’cause that ish is bananas. Got a free t-shirt and commemorative poster and instructions for all the VIP areas. Got a guide on all the acts, turns out everyone worth seeing were at night, and Muse was one of the last acts on Sunday.

Checked out the buffet - which had some stanky smelling food that looked edible but I didn’t know what was in it so I didn’t eat. Had some ice cream, checked out the graveyard they had set up for us. Decided to walk around Star Nursery Field and check out the booths they had set up.

Bought a really cool purse from The Bag Basement booth, and waited in VIP. Snagged some bead necklaces and a princess crown for my niece from another, and waited in VIP. Had pizza for lunch, and waited in VIP. Went on the Ferris wheel, and waited in VIP some more. None of the acts that were on were ones we wanted to see; we were waiting for M.I.A. who ended up NOT signing at the ZIA booth as promoted. Boo.

During Public Enemy’s set, the noise was tremendous in the VIP area. I go, “Yeah, Flavor Flav’s in that group.” My niece goes, “Really? Let’s go see them!”

So we went to the VIP section by the stage - I loved flashing that damn thing to get into places! - and we were right next to the speakers. The rousing call of the set was “fuck George Bush.” Ehh. Politics aside, they were an amazing group. And they brought back memories, plus Flav walked to the speakers near us VIP and rapped his parts for us. It was cool. Plus he jumped on the drum set and played a quick set for us. Turns out in lives in Vegas. For a girl who is decidedly scene, my niece was like, “That was a good show.” It was her first rap concert, so I’m like, “Yay.” rofl.

Then after their set, we got into the VIP section for the Shins. They’re an interesting band live, but we couldn’t stay the whole set. They were the only ones to wear costumes, and I’m not even sure WHAT they were dressed up as. Plus they communicated by screeching at each other. I said to myself, “At least they sing in human.” The only song I really like by them is “Sleeping Lessons”, which they opened with.

Halfway through their set, we had to take off for the VIP section for M.I.A. Again, we were on the barrier, and hot damn, she puts on a good show. It’s a full assault: aural and visual. My niece loved her show too, she said it was one of the best she’s been to.

During “Bird Flu,” she told all the “freaks” to jump the barriers and get on stage with her, which they did. I kinda wanted to, but I’m glad I didn’t because the stage was shaking from everyone dancing on it. Some betch stepped on my hand trying to get over the barrier though. Ugh. Then after the song, she and her DJ were like, “Everyone get off the stage!” She had some female MC with her as well, and I’m not quite sure what was the point of her. She was a bit distracting. Also Maya said she had lost her voice halfway through her set, and you could tell. Her vocal was straining a bit throughout the set. I was dancing through her whole set, and I’m so glad I got to see her. If you can, go see her.

After M.I.A., Queens of the Stone Age was on the main stage, but we didn’t stay the whole time. I had been there for almost 8 hours and I was ready to call it a night. I snapped some shots though. I was hurting from standing around and walking on the uneven field, as well as being in the smoke from Cali filled air all day.

Went back to the Bay, showed my niece where I worked, bought some underwear and a metal wallet thing from Urban Outfitters, then burned $5 at the Luxor arcade, then we had to get home ’cause Ate was blowing up our phones. Then we sat and talked about the show with Ate, and unwound from the day.

Woke up late Sunday, picked up the other niece from her ninang’s house, went sightseeing at the Miracle Mile shops at the new Planet Hollywood, had a pizza lunch, did some errands, and then instead of wasting time with the shuttle again, we took my car. We parked at a sports complex parking lot, a block away from Sam Boyd, and got into the venue five minutes before Muse. We were going to stand stage right, but then switched to stage left. The crowd was massive, partly because they were waiting for Rage Against the Machine (who were headlining Sunday on that stage), and partly because Muse is just that damn good.

The other two stages (Snake Eyes and Jokers Wild) had VIP sections really close by their stages, but this one - Double Down - was more first come, first served, like other venues. That’s what kept us away from Queens of the Stone Age. If I can’t flash my sexycool wristband to get THISCLOSE to the band, forget it!

Muse… wow, what can I say? It was amazing. That’s my default word for the utter excitement I feel when I see shows, but it’s universal, and so true. I was dancing the whole time. My niece thought I looked funny - bouncing around like I did - but you can’t NOT dance at a Muse show. As I had heard from everyone else who had seen Muse, they put on a live show to die for. and they didn’t disappoint.

My niece said they sound better live than on the record, and I think that’s partly because Matt and Chris have so much energy to spare. They were wailing the whole show. Before they launched into one song, Matt had a shiny guitar and was trying to blind a plane up in the sky. It was random but awesome. Plus they threw this gigantic plastic balloons filled with confetti out at us which popped and rained confetti down on everyone during the end of the set. I’m just in lust with this band. Not any particular member, but the music.

Saw a bit of UNKLE’s set, took some pics, but couldn’t stay as we were both fully zonked.

On the way home, stopped at Sam’s Town to take pics, because I hadn’t done it. Then came home to pass out. Or in my case, download pics from my camera, and write this review!

I hadn’t had a weekend off in ages, and I’m really happy and thankful that my job let me have this weekend. I just forgot everything bad that was going on in my life, and left it at the gates. My life is constantly up and down. There is a lot of unanswered questions that can’t be answered that I usually suppress if I ignore it enough. But it will pop up every once in a while and make me sad. It angers me when I don’t have the answer, and when no one can help me. So when I can lose myself in something as simple as a song, damn right I do it.

?: “Been to any good shows lately?”

Feeling :  annoyed  Listening :  Future Proof - Massive Attack  Reading :  The Wizard of Oz (no, really, I am!)

It’s midterms this last part of October, so my brain is kinda fried in terms of something viable to write for you all. But I feel like I owe you a new post for you to read.

From Imagination Prompt Generator: Write about a question that looms large in your mind right now.

How am I going to pay for another year and a half of school?

I feel almost ungrateful about my college career so far. Let me explain.

I spent the first semester at Modesto Junior College, making up for all the sleep I missed in high school, babysitting someone else’s kid, and getting my tuition paid for because of my dad’s career in the Navy. I figured I would take my time in junior college because I could do general ed classes and then go to Stanislaus State or something.

Then my parents threw a wrench into the plan. We’re moving to Vegas to help your Ate out, you’re coming with us right?

I had looked high and low for a job in Modesto so I could learn to get on my own two feet, but no one would hire me. So what else was I going to do? Starve in Modesto, possibly get my tuition reimbursement revoked because I would have gotten a job and wasn’t technically a dependent on my parents, or try for something new in Vegas?

So I went.

The school system in Nevada had a rule in effect that people who have lived in Vegas for less than a year would be treated as an out of state student when I moved here. I didn’t have a job then, nor scholarships or access to FAFSA, and my parents didn’t exactly have the money to pay for it, so I took a year off school. Most boring year of my life, true. And I think I would’ve adjusted to the city better had I been in a school setting (since school has always been a place of refuge for me), but money was a huge issue then.

Still is. Which I will get to.

I got my first job through friends of my cousin, and went to work. I enjoyed it, though I was paid under the table and treated as such. My bosses were nice guys, but looking back, being spoiled with lunch breaks and opportunities to sneak off for a few minutes to do whatever in my subsequent jobs, all of that makes me realise that no amount of money was worth that job. 8 hours at a kiosk in a mall - no breaks, couldn’t leave the kiosk even to pee, unless someone could cover you, and that was impossible, because there would only be an opener or a closer the majority of the time.

I left that job for another, as I started my first semester at C(C)SN for more money and an office. Didn’t last long at that job, because the work was so monotonous and I honestly didn’t know what I was doing. I was determined to do what I did in California: focus on school only.

Only my sister started getting on my case. “Don’t you want a car? Don’t you want this, don’t you want that?” Of course, to a broke-ass college student who lived on a monthly allowance of $50 at age 19 (a scant two years before), having a steady job - ANY JOB - was better than nothing at all. However, if my parents felt the same way, they didn’t tell me. So I listened to her rantings, and found another job, a seasonal bookstore one.

Loved that one, was so sure they would keep me after the season, that I didn’t even think twice about finding another job. After discovering I wasn’t on the schedule, I went to school as usual. Called in to find out my schedule for the next week, told me they didn’t have any hours. So I said, “fuck it.” And never called back.

What’s so funny is that this girl who started 2 months after I did was still there when I went to visit one day. Boo.

On a whim, and after weeks of paging through snagajob.com and getting no call backs, I applied for Home Despot. That was the beginning of the end of the old me. I changed completely. I grew a backbone, opened my mouth to speak up more, and met some of my dearest friends to this day there. I also lost a ton of weight, and made a LOT more money. Of course, with more money, comes more bills, and boy did I get myself into some crazy shit. I bought my car with my Despot pay rate. Got into a lot of credit cards, because I told myself I would stay there until I was done with school because of said pay rate. Then they fucked me over to the point of crying in front of my dad (who hates criers), so I left.

One year before I left, I started at NSC. Paying was a non-issue. My parents and I go half and half. They pay the first part of the deferred payment, and then I pay the next two installments. I never had to worry about this whilst I was there.

I had a part-time job at a portrait studio whilst I was still working at the Despot, but they never had enough hours to go around. Getting said portrait studio job was one of the many fuck overs that are innumerable to mention though if you have been following my blog around Christmastime last year, you’ll remember.

I was happy there, and figured I would find another part-time job to augment my portrait studio position. When I quit my Despot job, I relied on the credit cards to get me through the lean times between jobs, and to pay for school. I used to be able to pay them off with every Despot paycheck. I’m not kidding, that’s how much I was paid and how I could stay on top of my bills, no problem.

But then Corinne told me about an open position at the Bay that was too good to pass up. I called her manager, and to make a long story short, I started here whilst I was starting on my second semester at NSC. I quit the portrait studio right as I was going to get a pay raise because I was guaranteed full-time hours, plus loads of cool benefits. I am happy where I am now, at my little “hole in the wall”, but the issue of money is always in the back of my mind.

Then family issues became a big issue the months following my starting at the Bay, and caused a lot of stress and drama behind the scenes in Casa Pacheco.

Which brings us full circle to today.

I do not know how I am going to pay my share of my tuition next semester, let alone textbooks and crap. I am covered this semester because of a little relief in the form of a Target Visa card. I have tried to come up with a self-imposed savings plan but I haven’t fleshed it out yet. I know if I can get through next term, it will be summer, and I can get to saving money for real.

I spoke to my adviser, and by his calculations, I have a year and a half left. 13 classes required - 1 CLEP = 12 classes required/4 per term to count as a full-time student = 3 more terms (spring 2008, fall 2008, spring 2009). So I’m definitely on the right track. I have a goal set for that, and I’m going to see it through if it kills me. God willing, it won’t.

I am due for a monetary review in February, but I hear the raises aren’t impressive. I have decided against trying to find another job for now, because I can’t find a job that will work around my current work schedule nor class load. Unless I want to work graveyard or swing shift somewhere. I hear that my employer has tuition reimbursement, but I don’t qualify for that until February and I’m not even sure it applies to my major as they only cover classes that add to your enrichment as an employee. FAFSA was an option, but I only qualified for Stafford loans. I already have a car loan, and I didn’t want that extra thing on my credit report.

So not having a handle on the unknown scares me witless. And it’s a constant question because I don’t have a ready answer. I hate not being in control of my life, so it’s a control issue for me. On paper, I live the perfect life. I really do. And I’m grateful for it.

But on the inside, I’m a mess. I’m a puzzle with a few missing pieces. And I don’t know how to fix it, and if I over think it, I never will. It’s like the problems in my life are playing on a vinyl record, and it’s stuck playing the same hook over and over again. It keeps coming up because I have no solutions.

I wish I could trust myself to do the things that I want to, but I get this little voice in my head that sounds oddly like my ma, and I step back. I don’t want to repeat her life, and I feel like I’m replacing the things I’m doing now with what she did when she was my age. That scares me.

I feel powerless, and there’s no way to stop it.

I wish I could wave a magic wand and make my life better. *thinks* Better’s probably not a good word to explain that feeling. Not easier either. I just wish I had an answer for how I’m going to pay for school. I know if I could just get through this next year and half, I can find a decent job somewhere and do what I need to do.

?: “Is money an issue for you?”