Feeling :  annoyedannoyed  Listening :  Future Proof - Massive Attack  Reading :  The Wizard of Oz (no, really, I am!)

It’s midterms this last part of October, so my brain is kinda fried in terms of something viable to write for you all. But I feel like I owe you a new post for you to read. :)

From Imagination Prompt Generator: Write about a question that looms large in your mind right now.

How am I going to pay for another year and a half of school?

I feel almost ungrateful about my college career so far. Let me explain.

I spent the first semester at Modesto Junior College, making up for all the sleep I missed in high school, babysitting someone else’s kid, and getting my tuition paid for because of my dad’s career in the Navy. I figured I would take my time in junior college because I could do general ed classes and then go to Stanislaus State or something.

Then my parents threw a wrench into the plan. We’re moving to Vegas to help your Ate out, you’re coming with us right?

I had looked high and low for a job in Modesto so I could learn to get on my own two feet, but no one would hire me. So what else was I going to do? Starve in Modesto, possibly get my tuition reimbursement revoked because I would have gotten a job and wasn’t technically a dependent on my parents, or try for something new in Vegas?

So I went.

The school system in Nevada had a rule in effect that people who have lived in Vegas for less than a year would be treated as an out of state student when I moved here. I didn’t have a job then, nor scholarships or access to FAFSA, and my parents didn’t exactly have the money to pay for it, so I took a year off school. Most boring year of my life, true. And I think I would’ve adjusted to the city better had I been in a school setting (since school has always been a place of refuge for me), but money was a huge issue then.

Still is. Which I will get to.

I got my first job through friends of my cousin, and went to work. I enjoyed it, though I was paid under the table and treated as such. My bosses were nice guys, but looking back, being spoiled with lunch breaks and opportunities to sneak off for a few minutes to do whatever in my subsequent jobs, all of that makes me realise that no amount of money was worth that job. 8 hours at a kiosk in a mall - no breaks, couldn’t leave the kiosk even to pee, unless someone could cover you, and that was impossible, because there would only be an opener or a closer the majority of the time.

I left that job for another, as I started my first semester at C(C)SN for more money and an office. Didn’t last long at that job, because the work was so monotonous and I honestly didn’t know what I was doing. I was determined to do what I did in California: focus on school only.

Only my sister started getting on my case. “Don’t you want a car? Don’t you want this, don’t you want that?” Of course, to a broke-ass college student who lived on a monthly allowance of $50 at age 19 (a scant two years before), having a steady job - ANY JOB - was better than nothing at all. However, if my parents felt the same way, they didn’t tell me. So I listened to her rantings, and found another job, a seasonal bookstore one.

Loved that one, was so sure they would keep me after the season, that I didn’t even think twice about finding another job. After discovering I wasn’t on the schedule, I went to school as usual. Called in to find out my schedule for the next week, told me they didn’t have any hours. So I said, “fuck it.” And never called back.

What’s so funny is that this girl who started 2 months after I did was still there when I went to visit one day. Boo.

On a whim, and after weeks of paging through snagajob.com and getting no call backs, I applied for Home Despot. That was the beginning of the end of the old me. I changed completely. I grew a backbone, opened my mouth to speak up more, and met some of my dearest friends to this day there. I also lost a ton of weight, and made a LOT more money. Of course, with more money, comes more bills, and boy did I get myself into some crazy shit. I bought my car with my Despot pay rate. Got into a lot of credit cards, because I told myself I would stay there until I was done with school because of said pay rate. Then they fucked me over to the point of crying in front of my dad (who hates criers), so I left.

One year before I left, I started at NSC. Paying was a non-issue. My parents and I go half and half. They pay the first part of the deferred payment, and then I pay the next two installments. I never had to worry about this whilst I was there.

I had a part-time job at a portrait studio whilst I was still working at the Despot, but they never had enough hours to go around. Getting said portrait studio job was one of the many fuck overs that are innumerable to mention though if you have been following my blog around Christmastime last year, you’ll remember.

I was happy there, and figured I would find another part-time job to augment my portrait studio position. When I quit my Despot job, I relied on the credit cards to get me through the lean times between jobs, and to pay for school. I used to be able to pay them off with every Despot paycheck. I’m not kidding, that’s how much I was paid and how I could stay on top of my bills, no problem.

But then Corinne told me about an open position at the Bay that was too good to pass up. I called her manager, and to make a long story short, I started here whilst I was starting on my second semester at NSC. I quit the portrait studio right as I was going to get a pay raise because I was guaranteed full-time hours, plus loads of cool benefits. I am happy where I am now, at my little “hole in the wall”, but the issue of money is always in the back of my mind.

Then family issues became a big issue the months following my starting at the Bay, and caused a lot of stress and drama behind the scenes in Casa Pacheco.

Which brings us full circle to today.

I do not know how I am going to pay my share of my tuition next semester, let alone textbooks and crap. I am covered this semester because of a little relief in the form of a Target Visa card. I have tried to come up with a self-imposed savings plan but I haven’t fleshed it out yet. I know if I can get through next term, it will be summer, and I can get to saving money for real.

I spoke to my adviser, and by his calculations, I have a year and a half left. 13 classes required - 1 CLEP = 12 classes required/4 per term to count as a full-time student = 3 more terms (spring 2008, fall 2008, spring 2009). So I’m definitely on the right track. I have a goal set for that, and I’m going to see it through if it kills me. God willing, it won’t.

I am due for a monetary review in February, but I hear the raises aren’t impressive. I have decided against trying to find another job for now, because I can’t find a job that will work around my current work schedule nor class load. Unless I want to work graveyard or swing shift somewhere. I hear that my employer has tuition reimbursement, but I don’t qualify for that until February and I’m not even sure it applies to my major as they only cover classes that add to your enrichment as an employee. FAFSA was an option, but I only qualified for Stafford loans. I already have a car loan, and I didn’t want that extra thing on my credit report.

So not having a handle on the unknown scares me witless. And it’s a constant question because I don’t have a ready answer. I hate not being in control of my life, so it’s a control issue for me. On paper, I live the perfect life. I really do. And I’m grateful for it.

But on the inside, I’m a mess. I’m a puzzle with a few missing pieces. And I don’t know how to fix it, and if I over think it, I never will. It’s like the problems in my life are playing on a vinyl record, and it’s stuck playing the same hook over and over again. It keeps coming up because I have no solutions.

I wish I could trust myself to do the things that I want to, but I get this little voice in my head that sounds oddly like my ma, and I step back. I don’t want to repeat her life, and I feel like I’m replacing the things I’m doing now with what she did when she was my age. That scares me.

I feel powerless, and there’s no way to stop it.

I wish I could wave a magic wand and make my life better. *thinks* Better’s probably not a good word to explain that feeling. Not easier either. I just wish I had an answer for how I’m going to pay for school. I know if I could just get through this next year and half, I can find a decent job somewhere and do what I need to do.

?: “Is money an issue for you?”