Nothing but Song

Feeling :  annoyed  Listening :  Tiny Spark - Brendan Benson  Reading :  Um, same thing I was last time

So… I logged in to my online student account check to see if I was booted out of my classes since I made the decision to not continue the semester, and I was.

But only for my brick and mortar classes.

Apparently, I am still signed up for my online class. I left a message at my school’s registrar’s office, but they’ve never returned any message I’ve left in all the times I’ve had to call them (which is only once or twice in all the time I’ve been there). I will bother them tomorrow.

However, if they can’t or won’t boot me out of my online class, I will simply continue with that class. It is one less class I have to take in the summer.

I still have to pay ginormous fees for being purged though, by my calculation. Those fees are the entire reason why I couldn’t continue with the semester. I’m like, “What the hell? I dropped out this semester. Piss off.” But that’s the price I will pay, so to speak.

So finding another job is imperative. If I want to finish on time, I’ll have to pay for this semester little by little. I can’t pay it all at once, and I will probably get pinged with late fees until the cows come home. Shit.

And speaking of jobs…. I think I have one lined up. Same place, different department. Just have to put a transfer in. Hours are sketchy but the pay is good. I’m really looking forward to it.

?: “Don’t you hate late fees?”

Feeling :  crushed  Listening :  Give Me Your Love - Pinay  Reading :  Rosie Little\'s Cautionary Tales for Girls

I have some rather interesting news to report.

I dropped out of school this semester.

It was both a tough and easy decision to come to. One that I have wrestled with for the past few days, agonized over with my mother and friends, and realized that it was the best course of action.

My school has a deferred payment program; you pay a certain amount of fees up front, then they split the difference between two pay dates later on in the semester. It’s brilliant, and the only reason why I’ve never gotten a student loan.

But this semester was a bit tricky. My first payment was much cheaper than it usually was, so I paid it okay. But the bill due for the first deferred payment was higher than I expected (even when I dropped a class), and I have no respite. A co-worker suggested a signature loan, but even he knew it wouldn’t be any good as I am losing my job within the next month anyways.

The school (obviously) purges students from classes if they are on the deferred program and do not pay. I will be purged today. Which is just as well. My heart hasn’t been in it all semester. I really had to force myself to hustle, but my brain was a million miles away on other things. Usually, I’m an excellent student and never not let my personal life interfere with my schooling. But when the decision came to simply not pay and be purged, I felt a burden lift from my shoulders, though another was soon added.

I am burnt out. I can usually ignore that feeling and soldier on, but this time, I feel and know that I can’t. My parents have been going through some financial issues, which affects me because I live at home and there is absolutely no way I can live on my own. As previously mentioned, I will be losing a really fantastic job in the next month, and so of today, have nothing else lined up. Not for lack of looking, I’ve been combing every website I can for something. Anything.

I have been going to school and work full-time for two years. It’s been awhile since I’ve had a vacation to just relax, and not worry about anything. I had planned to use the one week’s vacation we are promised if you stay with the company for a year. You accrue one week for every year you work there. This month is exactly one year I have been with them, but now that I do not know when they are closing the store, I will probably not get to use that vacation at all.

Since the retail job market is so sketchy, I have been forced to change jobs often to survive. Every other job I have found - ones where I would actually enjoy working and not have it just be a paycheck - require at least a Bachelor’s, which I am currently working on.

I have bills coming out of every orifice (how’s that for a mental image?).

I wake up and have to think about what day it is and where I’m supposed to be.

My immune system is shot. January was the first time in a very long time that I’ve gotten sick, even though I haven’t changed my eating habits or exercise regime.

On top of all this, I’m sad. Just the plain and simple definition of sad:

1. affected by unhappiness or grief; sorrowful or mournful.
2. expressive of or characterized by sorrow.
3. causing sorrow.
4. (of color) somber, dark, or dull; drab.
5. deplorably bad; sorry.

I am not happy with the direction my life is headed. I want to have a job that is consistent. I want to have a set work schedule. I want to have decent classes to choose from at school. I want weekends off like normal people. I want to be able to meet up with my friends on a regular basis. I want to make some new friends too.

I’m tired of my sister and my mother complaining to me about their financial situations, making me feel guilty. I don’t know if they know that by unloading on me, I take in all of their pain into myself like a pot of stew. And it burns into me like acid because I am of the nature that if you can’t fix it, feel bad, feel guilty, and worry about it until you yourself fall apart.

I have had to be strong for myself for a really long time. I don’t do it for my family or to prove something to anybody. I do it to prove to that scared little girl inside that she can be a functioning adult. She tries so hard to keep herself happy, but she is always let down by some unforeseen circumstance that she has no control over. And if there’s one thing she hates, it’s not having control.

There is a semi-happy ending to this bump in the road of my life. I am going back to school in the summer. Our summer session starts in May, and since they’ve released the schedule already, I know what I will register for. I will retake my History of Photography class, and be only a semester behind. That’s okay. At the rate I’m going, I should’ve graduated a long time ago. But alas, that did not happen.

I need a few months to myself to breathe, to acclimatize to my (hopefully) new job. I was talking it over with my mother the other day at work. So even though I know I made the right decision for my mental health, I still feel shitty.

The last time I felt like this was when I got the news that they closed True Tea. All the anger, resentment, pain, sadness, and whatever else my little mind can suppress just opens like a broken bottle and spreads through me like cancer. It physically hurts all over and I have to force myself to stand, put a smile on for the world, and pretend that nothing is wrong. Because that’s what they pay me for.

I got “Raiders of the Lost Ark” the other day for my iPhone, so I lost myself in Indy’s story during lunch. I can’t wait for “Kingdom of the Crystal Skull” this summer. But as soon as I pressed “done,” I was brought back to the real world like the snap of a rubber band. I wish I could disappear in a story, one that would take away my unhappiness forever.

I just wish I didn’t have to stop.

?: “Have you ever done anything really drastic in your life?”

Feeling :  sore  Listening :  Malibu - Hole  Reading :  Stuff for school

If you are viewing this on LiveJournal, please note that you will not be able to view the pictures. I have blocked LJ from direct linking. To see them in all their sexy glory, come to Nothing but Song.

Sunday afternoon, I took my niece C and her friend N to see We the Kings, Metro Station, The Cab, and headliners Cobra Starship on the Really Really Ridiculously Good Looking Tour at Jillian’s. N’s mother followed us there because we all thought that we needed her to get the ticket for N (she didn’t). I bought me and C’s tickets during the presale, so they were on will call at the venue. N’s mom bought them through Ticketmaster.

Our first adventure of the night was trying to find a free place to park. We got lost for almost 45 minutes, trying to find a place. The first place we found was trying to charge, the same as at Jillians, which is what I was trying to avoid. The last time we went to a show at Jillians - during our SWG date - I got charged an arm and a leg to get out of the garage, and this time I was gonna play it smart and park somewhere for free.

Epic fail, yo.

The parking garage elevators were broken, so we tried the stairs, but the stairs that led to the street were wired to alarm if opened. Just going down the stairwell got the girls scared about walking from the parking garage to Jillians (which was two streets away) and finally convinced me to just park at Jillians. I’m the kind of person who LOVES to get lost, so driving around downtown in circles was great fun for me. I had a full tank of gas and the doors didn’t open ’til six. Whatever.

Our next adventure was simply waiting in line. As I said, we got there at 3 o’clock, 3 hours before the venue opened. Why? Because that’s what we do. C and N kept leaving me in line to walk around. Anyways, arriving early was quite advantageous, because we got pictures and autographs from Ryland Blackington (guitar) and Alex Suarez (bass) from Cobra Starship. Suarez is such a sweetheart. He was the first one to wander out of the venue, so we hella ran to him and then waited patiently for him, and after he was done taking pictures and getting autographs with the fans in front of us, he goes, “Did you want to get a picture too?” And I’m all, “Yes, please, thank you!”

Nate didn’t seem keen on meeting fans, so nobody got pictures or autographs. Vicky-T and Gabe walked by on their way to sound check but didn’t stop. In fact, Tony Touch totally cockblocked. Gabe looked like he was going to sign stuff and take pictures, but… “No pictures!” he barked at the girl who was next to us in line (never got her name, quite young), who squeaked “Gabe!” and ran towards him. C got pictures with Alex Deleon of the Cab before the show. The guys from the Cab kept walking back and forth. Luckily they’re not too famous yet, so they’re still approachable before shows.

We got in and I bought a Cobra shirt and an adjustable Cobra ring (it’s fucking sick). The picture doesn’t do it justice!

The show began with We the Kings, and the pit became unbearable halfway through. Loads of crazy pushing and shoving. I hate pits for that reason, and I lost N and C really quickly. I started getting a major case of claustrophobia. So I had to fight my way out of the pit, and go to the smoking patio, just to get some air. Halfway through We the Kings, I snuck back to the edges of the pit to find the girls, but they found me instead.

Metro Station came on next, and after their set, we ducked back out of the pit to breathe and get some overpriced snacks. “Trace!” C squeals as he walks by (the artists hide on the second floor of Jillians ’cause the way Jillians is set up, it’s the only place they can have a green room) and gets a hug, only she felt a little molested, and we spent the rest of the night calling Trace a pedophile, rofl. Trace Cyrus is Miley Cyrus’ (Hannah Montana’s) older brother, BTW, haha.

I’m really glad I got to see the Cab before everybody else jumps on that bandwagon because those boys are extremely talented. And I’m not saying that just because they are from Vegas, and friends with Panic. They’re gonna be my next big thing to pimp out. Deleon has a really unique voice, unlike a lot of acts that I’ve seen. The only thing I will say is that when Cash wears his sunglasses, he looks like the Butcher from the Academy Is… and that’s a compliment ’cause I love me some Butcher! We were hoping Brendon Urie from Panic would show up and sing “I’ll Run” with the band, but no go. I got video of their cover of “I’ll Be” by Edwin McCain, but it’s too big for YouTube so I have to readjust the size first. I promise to put it up as soon as I can. It was lovely.

In between the acts - whilst the roadies set up and tore down for each act (I lie, the openers were still pretty much their roadies) - they were playing hip hop music. So people in the pit were doing the Soulja Boy and singing “Stronger” by Kanye West. So I think everybody was there to have a good time, so except for the shit that was the pit, the vibes were good. The crowd that was there for SWG was awful. Killed the pre-show vibe. So I’m happy how awesome the crowd was, energy- and positivity-wise.

Cobra Starship was so much fun. They played a bit of everything from both the albums. Lots of energy and camaraderie between Ryland and Gabe in between songs. Gabe told us a little story about how Ryland got his nickname (Pleasure Ryland), because Ryland wore the shirt that inspired his nickname. When they were less famous, they had to provide their own clothes and Ryland chose that shirt. Also, some fans made a sign that asked if the band could perform “Awww Dip” but Gabe said that Victoria didn’t know the song and that it was recorded during the time between keytarists (The Great Elisa Debacle, as I like to call it, no disrespect). But Gabe asked Ryland to make the fan happy, and had him and Suarez play the riff from the song. I got video of Gabe doing “Hollaback Boy.” I didn’t take as many pictures or videos this time around.

During “Being from Jersey Means Never Having to Say You’re Sorry” he encouraged Ryland to interrupt the song to wail on his guitar. Before he took on the acoustic guitar for the song, Gabe said something along the lines of, “Ryland is such a good guitarist, I feel like he’s wasting his talent being in this band!” haha. I screamed “IVY LEAGUE!” but I don’t think anyone heard me. A girl named Steffy sang Travis’ rap from “Bring It.”

C said that a lot of people there were probably posers since Cobra got on MTV and everything. And MTV = selling out, obviously. I’m a bit of a music elitist, so if I met a Cobra “fan” who only knows “The City is at War” but goes to the shows and buys merch, I’m gonna fight the urge to laugh in their face. But Cobra Starship is too amazing of a band not to share with the whole world. Some bands deserve to stay underground and be your dirty little secret. But the rest? I think you should share. I hung around after the show to see if I could get something more from the Cobras, and I got a set list!

I hung on the barrier after the show, and asked one of the roadies if he had one, and straight up told me, “No. You should’ve come right after the show.” I was the last one to walk away ’cause security was trying to hustle us away so they could finishing breaking down the stage. But I turned to look and the guy that I had just talked to threw the set list out into the crowd. There really weren’t too many people there so I ran forward like a cat, spun around this chick, and caught it in midair. “Good catch!” one of Jillians security guys said. “Thanks!” I said breathlessly. I was really tired after the show, so I’m glad I got it!

Afterwards, we were just hanging around and C got pictures with Alex Marshall of the Cab (who looks eerily like Blake Sennett from Rilo Kiley) and Trace (who felt her up again!).

Annndddd… they didn’t charge for parking. So I don’t know if I was gypped last time or what. I woke up achy and sore, and my throat on fire from screaming so loud. I really had a good time. And C said it was one of the best nights of her life.

?: “Have you ever met anyone from your favourite band(s)?”