Feeling :  crushedcrushed  Listening :  Give Me Your Love - Pinay  Reading :  Rosie Little\'s Cautionary Tales for Girls

I have some rather interesting news to report.

I dropped out of school this semester.

It was both a tough and easy decision to come to. One that I have wrestled with for the past few days, agonized over with my mother and friends, and realized that it was the best course of action.

My school has a deferred payment program; you pay a certain amount of fees up front, then they split the difference between two pay dates later on in the semester. It’s brilliant, and the only reason why I’ve never gotten a student loan.

But this semester was a bit tricky. My first payment was much cheaper than it usually was, so I paid it okay. But the bill due for the first deferred payment was higher than I expected (even when I dropped a class), and I have no respite. A co-worker suggested a signature loan, but even he knew it wouldn’t be any good as I am losing my job within the next month anyways.

The school (obviously) purges students from classes if they are on the deferred program and do not pay. I will be purged today. Which is just as well. My heart hasn’t been in it all semester. I really had to force myself to hustle, but my brain was a million miles away on other things. Usually, I’m an excellent student and never not let my personal life interfere with my schooling. But when the decision came to simply not pay and be purged, I felt a burden lift from my shoulders, though another was soon added.

I am burnt out. I can usually ignore that feeling and soldier on, but this time, I feel and know that I can’t. My parents have been going through some financial issues, which affects me because I live at home and there is absolutely no way I can live on my own. As previously mentioned, I will be losing a really fantastic job in the next month, and so of today, have nothing else lined up. Not for lack of looking, I’ve been combing every website I can for something. Anything.

I have been going to school and work full-time for two years. It’s been awhile since I’ve had a vacation to just relax, and not worry about anything. I had planned to use the one week’s vacation we are promised if you stay with the company for a year. You accrue one week for every year you work there. This month is exactly one year I have been with them, but now that I do not know when they are closing the store, I will probably not get to use that vacation at all. :(

Since the retail job market is so sketchy, I have been forced to change jobs often to survive. Every other job I have found - ones where I would actually enjoy working and not have it just be a paycheck - require at least a Bachelor’s, which I am currently working on.

I have bills coming out of every orifice (how’s that for a mental image?).

I wake up and have to think about what day it is and where I’m supposed to be.

My immune system is shot. January was the first time in a very long time that I’ve gotten sick, even though I haven’t changed my eating habits or exercise regime.

On top of all this, I’m sad. Just the plain and simple definition of sad:

1. affected by unhappiness or grief; sorrowful or mournful.
2. expressive of or characterized by sorrow.
3. causing sorrow.
4. (of color) somber, dark, or dull; drab.
5. deplorably bad; sorry.

I am not happy with the direction my life is headed. I want to have a job that is consistent. I want to have a set work schedule. I want to have decent classes to choose from at school. I want weekends off like normal people. I want to be able to meet up with my friends on a regular basis. I want to make some new friends too.

I’m tired of my sister and my mother complaining to me about their financial situations, making me feel guilty. I don’t know if they know that by unloading on me, I take in all of their pain into myself like a pot of stew. And it burns into me like acid because I am of the nature that if you can’t fix it, feel bad, feel guilty, and worry about it until you yourself fall apart.

I have had to be strong for myself for a really long time. I don’t do it for my family or to prove something to anybody. I do it to prove to that scared little girl inside that she can be a functioning adult. She tries so hard to keep herself happy, but she is always let down by some unforeseen circumstance that she has no control over. And if there’s one thing she hates, it’s not having control.

There is a semi-happy ending to this bump in the road of my life. I am going back to school in the summer. Our summer session starts in May, and since they’ve released the schedule already, I know what I will register for. I will retake my History of Photography class, and be only a semester behind. That’s okay. At the rate I’m going, I should’ve graduated a long time ago. But alas, that did not happen.

I need a few months to myself to breathe, to acclimatize to my (hopefully) new job. I was talking it over with my mother the other day at work. So even though I know I made the right decision for my mental health, I still feel shitty.

The last time I felt like this was when I got the news that they closed True Tea. All the anger, resentment, pain, sadness, and whatever else my little mind can suppress just opens like a broken bottle and spreads through me like cancer. It physically hurts all over and I have to force myself to stand, put a smile on for the world, and pretend that nothing is wrong. Because that’s what they pay me for.

I got “Raiders of the Lost Ark” the other day for my iPhone, so I lost myself in Indy’s story during lunch. I can’t wait for “Kingdom of the Crystal Skull” this summer. But as soon as I pressed “done,” I was brought back to the real world like the snap of a rubber band. I wish I could disappear in a story, one that would take away my unhappiness forever.

I just wish I didn’t have to stop.

?: “Have you ever done anything really drastic in your life?”