Feeling :  aggravatedaggravated  Listening :  That\\\'s What Counts - We Are Scientists  Reading :  Hello Mallory!

I was really happy this week.

Was being the operative verb.

My paycheck was a little fatter this pay period, because I got an extra day of work, and holiday pay on top of that, because of the Fourth of July. My bank’s pretty good about putting a little note on my account, letting me know when a deposit is on its way in and for how much and when it will be available. So when I saw it (and the amount), I was like, “yay!”

Well, when I went to check to see if the direct deposit had gone through this morning, I was missing a certain amount of money. I balanced my checkbook, just to make sure, and there was absolutely no other charges that could’ve caused that money to go missing. I’m not even sure if it is missing. Maybe there was a charge or a debit that I missed.

Slogging through work today was a real trial because that money was earmarked for something important. I was going to use it to pay off my debt to NSC so I could register for classes since I’m on financial hold.

I called my bank’s automated line, and none of the transactions that have cleared explain the missing money either. The automated line pretty much told me what I already knew. So I’m gonna wait until the end of the business day today and check it again online. ETA, Friday night: They took out 2 car payments. That’s where my money went. Why would they do that? Why? Why? WHY??!?!?!!? And why did this have to happen on a Friday when banks are not open on the weekends?? This isn’t fair. It really isn’t!! ANGER. FRUSTRATION. WOE.

ETA, Saturday morning: I slept off my anger, and had some crazy violent dreams in the process. My next car payment isn’t due until September and that changes things significantly.

School starts at the end of August. I have one more year left of school. I am so READY to be done. I have no other money saved up to make this debt go away.

As such, I walked into work in a bad mood. I kind of avoided everybody. But tonight, when we were dropping off our bank drawers, one of my co-workers let slip that he liked me, even if other people didn’t.

I was crushed, to say the least.

I don’t cause trouble at work. None. I don’t gossip. I do as I’m told. I keep my nose clean, my head down, and I mind my own business. But I’m also notoriously quiet. Nobody likes quiet people, apparently. I’m not sure why. Other quiet people have their reasons for being quiet. I’m quiet because that’s how I was raised. Plus I also don’t like to talk, because I stutter. I’m not very good at expressing myself unless I’m at a computer, unfortunately.

It’s hard for me to trust people. I have been burned in the past. People I would have trusted with my life and the ones I trusted with my secrets would go around and talk shit about me behind my back. And no matter how much older I get, this doesn’t change in the people I meet. This includes people I’m related to.

So instead of letting myself get hurt, I just keep quiet and drown out the white noise with music, usually piped in by my iPhone.

Music is the only thing in the world that will put up with my bullshit. No matter how many times I play a song, the melody is always the same. No matter what mood I’m in, it’s always there to let me know that everything will be alright. No matter where I am in my life, I can listen to a song from ten years ago and be automatically transported back to when I first heard it. What else in the world can do that for you?

I know I shouldn’t, but I take it personally when people talk about me. It’s like, “what did I ever do to you?”

?: “What do you honestly think of quiet people?”