Nothing but Song

Feeling :  aggravated  Listening :  That\\\'s What Counts - We Are Scientists  Reading :  Hello Mallory!

I was really happy this week.

Was being the operative verb.

My paycheck was a little fatter this pay period, because I got an extra day of work, and holiday pay on top of that, because of the Fourth of July. My bank’s pretty good about putting a little note on my account, letting me know when a deposit is on its way in and for how much and when it will be available. So when I saw it (and the amount), I was like, “yay!”

Well, when I went to check to see if the direct deposit had gone through this morning, I was missing a certain amount of money. I balanced my checkbook, just to make sure, and there was absolutely no other charges that could’ve caused that money to go missing. I’m not even sure if it is missing. Maybe there was a charge or a debit that I missed.

Slogging through work today was a real trial because that money was earmarked for something important. I was going to use it to pay off my debt to NSC so I could register for classes since I’m on financial hold.

I called my bank’s automated line, and none of the transactions that have cleared explain the missing money either. The automated line pretty much told me what I already knew. So I’m gonna wait until the end of the business day today and check it again online. ETA, Friday night: They took out 2 car payments. That’s where my money went. Why would they do that? Why? Why? WHY??!?!?!!? And why did this have to happen on a Friday when banks are not open on the weekends?? This isn’t fair. It really isn’t!! ANGER. FRUSTRATION. WOE.

ETA, Saturday morning: I slept off my anger, and had some crazy violent dreams in the process. My next car payment isn’t due until September and that changes things significantly.

School starts at the end of August. I have one more year left of school. I am so READY to be done. I have no other money saved up to make this debt go away.

As such, I walked into work in a bad mood. I kind of avoided everybody. But tonight, when we were dropping off our bank drawers, one of my co-workers let slip that he liked me, even if other people didn’t.

I was crushed, to say the least.

I don’t cause trouble at work. None. I don’t gossip. I do as I’m told. I keep my nose clean, my head down, and I mind my own business. But I’m also notoriously quiet. Nobody likes quiet people, apparently. I’m not sure why. Other quiet people have their reasons for being quiet. I’m quiet because that’s how I was raised. Plus I also don’t like to talk, because I stutter. I’m not very good at expressing myself unless I’m at a computer, unfortunately.

It’s hard for me to trust people. I have been burned in the past. People I would have trusted with my life and the ones I trusted with my secrets would go around and talk shit about me behind my back. And no matter how much older I get, this doesn’t change in the people I meet. This includes people I’m related to.

So instead of letting myself get hurt, I just keep quiet and drown out the white noise with music, usually piped in by my iPhone.

Music is the only thing in the world that will put up with my bullshit. No matter how many times I play a song, the melody is always the same. No matter what mood I’m in, it’s always there to let me know that everything will be alright. No matter where I am in my life, I can listen to a song from ten years ago and be automatically transported back to when I first heard it. What else in the world can do that for you?

I know I shouldn’t, but I take it personally when people talk about me. It’s like, “what did I ever do to you?”

?: “What do you honestly think of quiet people?”

Feeling :  indescribable  Listening :  I Want You - Savage Garden  Reading :  Stardust - Neil Gaiman

OMG! I got my hair cut the other day, and I think I look like Gwen from Torchwood, rofl. It’s all layered and fringe-y. I <3 it.

I decided to get rid of two projects already: Cotton Club Topsites and the 21st Century Social Forums. The script for the topsites list was too insecure for my liking. I have a hard enough time trying to get conversations going on the forums I personally frequent. How the heck am I gonna get other people to talk? haha.

Now I’m gonna focus my energy on Discotheque (which I revamped to use WordPress), That’s My Song!, and Three. Plus I updated Three with a whole new batch of songs. I’m gonna change the layout too. It’s a bit boring, ahahaha.

Humaira pointed me in the direction of iGoogle. I guess I had done it previously, but my default home page has always been the boring Firefox one. iGoogle is way cooler.

Because of my job, I am up by 8am on the weekdays without fail. I cannot sleep in for anything now, yuk. I’m sure I’ve complained about that in the past, but alas, I am a complainer.

I decided to turn on the TV to help wake me up this morning, and I tuned in to “The Legend of Billie Jean.” For some reason, my brain must’ve been on “film student” mode when I woke up this morning, because I was analyzing the film from a film student’s perspective.

There’s the innocent outlaw Western subgenre (doesn’t hurt that the movie takes place in Texas), a feminist perspective that’s pretty easy to catch if you watch it from the beginning to the end, the classist perspective, the obligatory romance, the strong family bond perspective, the manipulation of media (newspapers, TV, radio) on both sides, the sexist villain, a religious aspect in the way she cut her hair (which I completely approve of ’cause I was confirmed under St. Joan), etc.

I wish I had stuck with my “American West Through Film” class this semester. I would’ve found a way to discuss the film in depth for that class. Oh well. You live and you learn. I just found out through the wiki that it’s a retelling of another story and Pat Benatar hates the movie. Hmm. Interesting.

Speaking of work, I have a semi-permanent schedule, with split days off and certain days when I have to call in. Yuk. I can’t really complain, because I am extra board and the newest employee. Our manager was laid off (corporate did some hardcore downsizing) and one other employee quit. So a couple of other people are picking up the slack. We have to make do with the staff that we had, since we’re not gonna be hiring. I got in here in just the nick of time.

We got the obligatory positive reinforcement lecture since the hammer fell, but it’s all talk to me. I know what I’m supposed to do. You tell me where I need to be, I’ll show up when I’m scheduled, I’ll do my job, and you pay me. That’s how it works. I won’t involve myself further than that. Because when you do, it gets messy. I’ve been in enough corporate peon jobs to know how that feels and I don’t want that for this new position. I want to keep it as distant as possible.

I can’t register for fall classes because my “records are on financial hold.” *le sigh* I’m glad I am getting paid well, otherwise I would be shit outta luck. Hopefully I can knock out most of my spring fees in the next couple of paychecks. Plus I’ve still got my stimulus check to look forward to! I love money, haha. Please God, don’t take this job from me. *prays*

Anyways, I guess life is pretty OK. My sister is planning on a trip to Oregon for us in June, as well as Warped tour in Salt Lake City! I’m gonna burn through my week’s vacation for both trips, but I deserve it dammit.

Sassy and I won’t be able to see Panic on HCT this summer though. We had tickets to their show here in Vegas (Sassy’s friend bought them for us). But her mom made other plans without checking with us, and so she won’t be able to go. And I refuse to go without her. It just wouldn’t be right. Panic was our first concert together, and if she can’t see them, I won’t either. Plus I’ve got Richard Cheese with Corinne to look forward to in August and hopefully a day trip or two back to Cali soon.

I’m just gonna enjoy this summer. Catch up on my reading, keep up on my bills, my sites, my friends, go swimming, enjoy my last few months as a 24 year old, get a tan, lose those last 5 pounds.

Hopefully God won’t send anything bad my way. *crosses fingers* I deserve just a few months of pleasure. Just a few. He can throw me for loops in the fall, after I’ve got everything out of my system this summer!

?: “Any big or exciting plans for the summer?”

Feeling :  accomplished  Listening :  Valerie - Mark Ronson & Amy Winehouse  Reading :  League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, Vol. 1

I got my tax return, whoo-hoo! It ain’t much, but this is the first year since I’ve been filing my tax return where I actually got something back. Every other year I’ve owed money. Owed! Who owes the government money? JFC.

I’m expecting the stimulus package next month as well, which will help immensely with my finances. If I planned it correctly, I can kill one of the credit card payments I have right now with it. I didn’t get direct deposit though, so I’ll be getting another paper check. What a hassle. I’m so doing direct deposit next year. I don’t think the website I filed with had that option. But that’s okay. I learned my lesson.

I’ve finally got the hang of the ins and outs at work. There’s still little things that I keep forgetting (such as remembering to tell people that there is certain protocol to follow for deliveries and pick-ups), but I haven’t had a sale, shipment or copy job go South yet. Everyone’s really friendly and nice. I like being busy, and when a show’s breaking down, it gets crazy busy.

The only thing I have noticed already that I don’t like is when people will cut the line or see an empty space, lean on the counter, and stare at me. They try and give me the “if I stare at her long and hard, she’ll stop whatever she’s doing and help me!” kind of stare. Ugh, like staring at me is going to get my attention. I have nieces, m’kay? I am the queen of ignoring annoying people. It’s unnerving, but I can handle it.

Still not a fan of waking up so early, but it’s kinda nice. I can go home and chill at night. I take that back. My family has normal hours, so I have to deal with them busting all up in my room at night, bothering me. I need at least an hour to myself to unwind. I get home, take a shower and go online and do stupid shit. And I can’t lock my door ’cause they’ll knock on it until I answer. And telling them to go away is useless. Gah.

My ma and I figured out I don’t have many years left on my car loan. It’ll be mine, free and clear, in less than 3 years. That is definitely something to look forward to. I bought it brand-new ’cause I didn’t have any money socked away. Yeah, big mistake, considering how uneven my job history has been. I’ve only missed one payment, and that was last year when I was changing jobs. I’m looking forward to owning it free and clear. She ain’t much (an ‘05 Nissan Sentra), but she gets me where I need to go.

I’ve been selling my books like mad on Amazon, the ones I could bear to part with anyways. The extra money helps, truth be told. Since I send everything by Media Mail, I pretty much break even. I don’t make much but at least someone out there is enjoying the book. As a bookphile, that’s all that matters to me.

It’s kinda weird. I have had TKO for almost 4 years, come September. People come and go in the Killers fandom. So when the new kids hear inklings of the Great TKO Drama, they have to know. I try to be honest about it because basically if you’re knee deep in the fandom, you’ll hear about it eventually anyways. You might as well hear it from someone who had to experience it first hand.

It still aches when I have to explain it though. It was definitely a low point in the history of TKO, and for me, as a fan of the band. I love the Killers; I always will. I hate that the Great TKO Drama briefly tainted the fandom for me. But I will support them, no matter what. I believe in them. That’s how much they mean to me.

And if I could take it all back, I would, just so I wouldn’t have to live with this in my heart.

?: “Heard any good music lately?”