Feeling :  gloomy  Listening :  People as Places as People - Modest Mouse  Reading :  Bad Childhood - Good Life by Dr. Laura Schlessinger

Had a bit of family trouble last Friday. Something wasn’t right with my bills, and it turns out my gut instinct was right. I don’t feel comfortable talking about what went down, but I will say that the implications that it was my fault was completely uncalled for. You think you trust someone who knows better, and they listen to the little devil on their shoulder instead. *le sigh*

Wow, I got a lot of comments in that last entry! I’m going to reply to them, because a lot of them asked questions that need to be answered. But instead of wasting this entry answering them in this entry, I will edit them and add my comments.

This week is Thanksgiving. This year is a little different, I’m going to be working. I will be closing, because I get holiday pay. Besides, my supervisor asked if I could close (wanted a mid shift instead), but since I figured I owed them for all the times I’ve asked to change the schedule for my gigs. TBQH, I don’t really want to go to the family party. It’s gonna be the same as always, everyone dividing into cliques and pretending that I want to be there when really, all I want is the food.

My dog got sunburned on the tips of his ears this summer. And now black flies love his ears. I rubbed it away, thinking it was dirt like our other dog had, but it wouldn’t go away. So I looked it up, and it’s called fly strike. Sheep get it mostly, but dogs can get it if they are outdoors in moist, hot conditions. Which makes sense because we bought a mist system for him, thinking it would help cool him down. We did it the previous summer with good results. It kept the dogs cool and we don’t have to constantly bring them in and out.

Apparently, he has had this condition since the summer, but my nieces - who usually take care of the dogs - didn’t say anything. They just assumed it would go away on their own. What hurts me is that they didn’t question it. And then I feel guilty for not taking care of him when I should have.

It gives me creeps to see the words, and see it actually happen. The tips of his poor ears are black and crusty. He can’t enjoy lounging around in the sun without the flies flying around and being incredibly bothersome, poor baby. They’re not red or bleeding, like the symptoms on the veterinary websites I’ve researched say, so I hope they don’t arrest me for animal abuse. It’s awful. I feel like a terrible dog owner.

If I hadn’t had the dream about him, I would never have noticed and I would’ve gone on with my life as usual.

Yeah, speaking of that dream… I had this dream that me and my dog (his name is Simba, like the lion, rofl) went swimming in the ocean. If there’s one thing my dog hates, it’s baths and water. I’ve never taken him to the ocean, so I’m not quite sure how he’d react. But he trusted me in my dream enough to go in with me. In a way he was leading me there, telling me it was okay. So I woke up the next day feeling guilty and went outside to take care of him and Coco (my sister’s dog). That’s when I noticed the flies buzzing around, and his ears.

I bought him and Coco a stinky fly trap from Home Despot that attracts flies. It hasn’t been working as well as I thought it would, but the directions said it works better in the sun. So I did some research in between customers at work. I was like, “I have to do something, this isn’t right.” So I moved his kennel so that he - and the fly trap - will be in the sun more often. It’s only a temporary solution, but I’m going to Banfield first thing in the morning. They take walk-ins, so I’m going down there with him and try to be the first ones in. I’m not going to live with this guilt in my stomach any longer.

I want to skip my classes tomorrow for him, but that’s not the way to go and I know it. No one else in my house wants to take care of him beyond feeding him and picking up his poop. He’s my baby, and he’s suffered enough. I’m not a tree-hugging PETA hippie, but I love animals and don’t think they should suffer like this. In my defense though, if I had known about it sooner, I would’ve taken care of it sooner. I’m the kind of person who can’t watch Animal Cops on Animal Planet without wanting to cry half the time! I hate people who treat their animals like the people on that show do.

I don’t want to be known as that kind of person either.

?: “Do you have any pets?”

Feeling :  annoyed  Listening :  Future Proof - Massive Attack  Reading :  The Wizard of Oz (no, really, I am!)

It’s midterms this last part of October, so my brain is kinda fried in terms of something viable to write for you all. But I feel like I owe you a new post for you to read.

From Imagination Prompt Generator: Write about a question that looms large in your mind right now.

How am I going to pay for another year and a half of school?

I feel almost ungrateful about my college career so far. Let me explain.

I spent the first semester at Modesto Junior College, making up for all the sleep I missed in high school, babysitting someone else’s kid, and getting my tuition paid for because of my dad’s career in the Navy. I figured I would take my time in junior college because I could do general ed classes and then go to Stanislaus State or something.

Then my parents threw a wrench into the plan. We’re moving to Vegas to help your Ate out, you’re coming with us right?

I had looked high and low for a job in Modesto so I could learn to get on my own two feet, but no one would hire me. So what else was I going to do? Starve in Modesto, possibly get my tuition reimbursement revoked because I would have gotten a job and wasn’t technically a dependent on my parents, or try for something new in Vegas?

So I went.

The school system in Nevada had a rule in effect that people who have lived in Vegas for less than a year would be treated as an out of state student when I moved here. I didn’t have a job then, nor scholarships or access to FAFSA, and my parents didn’t exactly have the money to pay for it, so I took a year off school. Most boring year of my life, true. And I think I would’ve adjusted to the city better had I been in a school setting (since school has always been a place of refuge for me), but money was a huge issue then.

Still is. Which I will get to.

I got my first job through friends of my cousin, and went to work. I enjoyed it, though I was paid under the table and treated as such. My bosses were nice guys, but looking back, being spoiled with lunch breaks and opportunities to sneak off for a few minutes to do whatever in my subsequent jobs, all of that makes me realise that no amount of money was worth that job. 8 hours at a kiosk in a mall - no breaks, couldn’t leave the kiosk even to pee, unless someone could cover you, and that was impossible, because there would only be an opener or a closer the majority of the time.

I left that job for another, as I started my first semester at C(C)SN for more money and an office. Didn’t last long at that job, because the work was so monotonous and I honestly didn’t know what I was doing. I was determined to do what I did in California: focus on school only.

Only my sister started getting on my case. “Don’t you want a car? Don’t you want this, don’t you want that?” Of course, to a broke-ass college student who lived on a monthly allowance of $50 at age 19 (a scant two years before), having a steady job - ANY JOB - was better than nothing at all. However, if my parents felt the same way, they didn’t tell me. So I listened to her rantings, and found another job, a seasonal bookstore one.

Loved that one, was so sure they would keep me after the season, that I didn’t even think twice about finding another job. After discovering I wasn’t on the schedule, I went to school as usual. Called in to find out my schedule for the next week, told me they didn’t have any hours. So I said, “fuck it.” And never called back.

What’s so funny is that this girl who started 2 months after I did was still there when I went to visit one day. Boo.

On a whim, and after weeks of paging through snagajob.com and getting no call backs, I applied for Home Despot. That was the beginning of the end of the old me. I changed completely. I grew a backbone, opened my mouth to speak up more, and met some of my dearest friends to this day there. I also lost a ton of weight, and made a LOT more money. Of course, with more money, comes more bills, and boy did I get myself into some crazy shit. I bought my car with my Despot pay rate. Got into a lot of credit cards, because I told myself I would stay there until I was done with school because of said pay rate. Then they fucked me over to the point of crying in front of my dad (who hates criers), so I left.

One year before I left, I started at NSC. Paying was a non-issue. My parents and I go half and half. They pay the first part of the deferred payment, and then I pay the next two installments. I never had to worry about this whilst I was there.

I had a part-time job at a portrait studio whilst I was still working at the Despot, but they never had enough hours to go around. Getting said portrait studio job was one of the many fuck overs that are innumerable to mention though if you have been following my blog around Christmastime last year, you’ll remember.

I was happy there, and figured I would find another part-time job to augment my portrait studio position. When I quit my Despot job, I relied on the credit cards to get me through the lean times between jobs, and to pay for school. I used to be able to pay them off with every Despot paycheck. I’m not kidding, that’s how much I was paid and how I could stay on top of my bills, no problem.

But then Corinne told me about an open position at the Bay that was too good to pass up. I called her manager, and to make a long story short, I started here whilst I was starting on my second semester at NSC. I quit the portrait studio right as I was going to get a pay raise because I was guaranteed full-time hours, plus loads of cool benefits. I am happy where I am now, at my little “hole in the wall”, but the issue of money is always in the back of my mind.

Then family issues became a big issue the months following my starting at the Bay, and caused a lot of stress and drama behind the scenes in Casa Pacheco.

Which brings us full circle to today.

I do not know how I am going to pay my share of my tuition next semester, let alone textbooks and crap. I am covered this semester because of a little relief in the form of a Target Visa card. I have tried to come up with a self-imposed savings plan but I haven’t fleshed it out yet. I know if I can get through next term, it will be summer, and I can get to saving money for real.

I spoke to my adviser, and by his calculations, I have a year and a half left. 13 classes required - 1 CLEP = 12 classes required/4 per term to count as a full-time student = 3 more terms (spring 2008, fall 2008, spring 2009). So I’m definitely on the right track. I have a goal set for that, and I’m going to see it through if it kills me. God willing, it won’t.

I am due for a monetary review in February, but I hear the raises aren’t impressive. I have decided against trying to find another job for now, because I can’t find a job that will work around my current work schedule nor class load. Unless I want to work graveyard or swing shift somewhere. I hear that my employer has tuition reimbursement, but I don’t qualify for that until February and I’m not even sure it applies to my major as they only cover classes that add to your enrichment as an employee. FAFSA was an option, but I only qualified for Stafford loans. I already have a car loan, and I didn’t want that extra thing on my credit report.

So not having a handle on the unknown scares me witless. And it’s a constant question because I don’t have a ready answer. I hate not being in control of my life, so it’s a control issue for me. On paper, I live the perfect life. I really do. And I’m grateful for it.

But on the inside, I’m a mess. I’m a puzzle with a few missing pieces. And I don’t know how to fix it, and if I over think it, I never will. It’s like the problems in my life are playing on a vinyl record, and it’s stuck playing the same hook over and over again. It keeps coming up because I have no solutions.

I wish I could trust myself to do the things that I want to, but I get this little voice in my head that sounds oddly like my ma, and I step back. I don’t want to repeat her life, and I feel like I’m replacing the things I’m doing now with what she did when she was my age. That scares me.

I feel powerless, and there’s no way to stop it.

I wish I could wave a magic wand and make my life better. *thinks* Better’s probably not a good word to explain that feeling. Not easier either. I just wish I had an answer for how I’m going to pay for school. I know if I could just get through this next year and half, I can find a decent job somewhere and do what I need to do.

?: “Is money an issue for you?”

Feeling :  awake  Listening :  Wanna Be - Dizzee Rascal f. Lily Allen  Reading :  Nothing, I need some new books!

Working six days straight and then getting only two days off is tough on a young body.

I got back from my trip to the Grand Canyon Sunday afternoon, but after closing and then opening my store within 12 hours, I didn’t have time to flesh out my recollections.

More here, especially if these thumbnails don’t load.

I slept most of the trip down to Flagstaff, waking up only long enough to stretch whenever we stopped. First, we stopped at the Hoover Dam which I had never seen before, and THE Route 66 in Kingman, AZ. We decided to stretch and get some fresh air. Me and my niece C ran across Route 66 (just to say we did) and put our fangs up, it was great! I threw my arms up and yelled at our family that was still across the street, and this dude in a Mustang honked and joined in my screaming. I was all, “WTF?” But I didn’t care. My dream is to drive from one end of Route 66 to the other. Maybe someday.

We got a bit lost trying to get to Mormon Lake, so my cousin’s boyfriend decided to rent us rooms at the local Ramada after dinner at Coco’s on Friday night. It’s a good thing he decided to splurge on the rooms, because by the time dinner was done, it was already 10 o’clock our time (11 o’clock theirs), so imagine what would’ve happened if he hadn’t. We would’ve had to try to find our campsite in the dark, get the tents up, get settled, and all that. That would’ve been ugly.

I had to share a bed with C, who fully took up the whole bed. I kept waking up, because I kept finding myself closer and closer to the edge of the hotel bed. I put a pillow between us, because I like to cuddle with pillows when I sleep since I don’t have a boyfriend, rofl. Well, wouldn’t you know it, the little turd used the pillow for herself! She says she’s not used to having all the space, so I let it slide but teased her for the rest of the weekend for being stingy with the sleeping space.

Saturday morning, we had the continental breakfast the hotel provided, and drove up to our campsite at Mormon Lake near Flagstaff, AZ. As soon as we were settled, set up the tents, and had lunch, we got into my cousin’s van - crammed with 5 adults and 3 kids (1 of whom was in a car seat) - and drove almost 2 hours to the Grand Canyon. I don’t think my cousin realized how far away Mormon Lake was from the Grand Canyon. I slept the whole way of course. I felt loads better when I woke up.

Spent a few hours taking the edge of the canyon in. It was beautiful. There’s no other phrase, word or sentence to describe it. Or even do it justice. You have to experience it for yourself. I wonder what it was like before the Department of the Interior had to set boundaries. You know me and history. The writer in me wants to sit there, and soak up the inspiration that has been left behind since people first started going to places like the Grand Canyon. There is so much beauty in this world, and people are so quick to pass it by. Makes me sad.

I wanted so badly to stay, breathe that fresh air, lose myself, maybe have a spiritual episode of sorts. If I didn’t have so much responsibility, I would prolly have wasted away, daydreaming and writing. I walked past a lady who was crying from the sheer beauty of the expanse. I couldn’t believe that it had affected her that much, and how such beauty will bring someone to tears. We didn’t really have time to fully explore, since we had to get home by nightfall and they had warned about scattered showers.

On the way back from the Canyon, we stopped at this campground that had a distinct Flintstones theme. C wiped “SANTI” into an Air Force missile set up nearby, rofl. Slept the whole way back. C said I had a good shoulder to sleep on. I get that a lot, sadly enough.

Had burgers for dinner, and s’mores for dessert. It’s a good thing Mormon Lake is a small town and the campsite had its own general store. We kept running back and forth for stuff to buy. Had to go to bed early since we had to make it an early day. Ate remembered to pack her queen-sized inflatable mattress, and thank God she did. If she hadn’t we would’ve had to sleep on the bare floor. It was like sleeping on air.

After breakfast, we broke our campsite down and got ready to go. The showers were $2.00 for 5 minutes so nobody took a shower, except for the baby. The drive up was uneventful. The Amber Alert sign warned us that taking the Hoover Dam home (which would’ve been much easier) was going to be difficult, because Sunday traffic on the Dam is awful. Weekend warriors and all that. So it advised us to take this really weird route home that we weren’t even sure was going to get us home on time. It wasn’t so weird after all, because it sent us right through Bullhead City, AZ/Laughlin, which is a stone’s throw away from Henderson, and home.

We decided to come visit Bullhead City/Laughlin on another day, since the Colorado River passes right through both cities and you can swim in it really easily. Bought Powerball for my dad (who says I got the wrong amount and wrong day), but I never buy lottery so I dunno what I was doing. We got home a lot quicker than we thought, and I had more than enough time to get ready for work.

My body is still aching. I haven’t been sleeping the whole night through so my body’s not healing. I got to bed at 1, if I’m lucky, and then I wake up at 7 because that’s when my sister leaves the house and she usually goes through the garage (which my room is over). My room is kinda crappy, you can hear EVERYTHING because it faces the street on two sides. So if someone roars down the street at 2 in the morning, best believe, I can hear it. I should prolly move my bed away from the wall, because I can’t keep living like this.

And once I’m up, I’m up. I think it’s because of my allergies and opening and then closing at work too, and perhaps that little thing that comes once a month. But I don’t have any money to buy some Claritin, to at least alleviate that problem. So I have to suffer until I get paid on Friday so I can see how I can fit it into my budget.

School starts next week, as well as my new job. God, I can’t believe how quickly summer is ending. But I have a lot of things to look forward to, such as knocking out 1 of 3 semesters I have left in school this winter, saving up more money for spring break at Disneyland (that I hope my friends will be able to splurge on), and stuff like that.

?: “How has your summer been?“